how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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