Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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