from now on my penis is your penis
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
