I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
