how can u be prego again
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
