i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
