I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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