when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
