I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
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