I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
