I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i believe in u and ur pee
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
