would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
