Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
