No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize
