Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
