why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
