You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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