I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just gargled with NyQuil
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
