haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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