I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
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She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
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I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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