I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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