I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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