Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
