my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
