in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
