when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
