The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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