Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
organizing the empties. That sober.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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