I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
