Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
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Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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