dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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