I would go down on you faster than GM stock
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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