Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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