just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
