Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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