I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i need some magic done to my vagina
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize