Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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