you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
