Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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