How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
