I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
