I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
