The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
