Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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