I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I wish there were birth control emojis
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
