wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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