Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
