Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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