She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Can you bring me the toilet please
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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