Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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