apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
