My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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