probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
