So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
